Fix Me
I just realised that the last time I blogged was at the start of the Spring term. Well, It’s Summer term now. Weather is better but I’m equally as shattered (no, I don’t mean tired) about having to leave home. I just reread my post about my mum leaving from the Autumn Term and I honestly could not help but cry because I remember exactly how it felt. And I realised, it definitely hurt, like, a 1000 times worse the first time. I cried when I left for Spring term. I cried again yesterday morning (Malaysian time) when I had to leave, but I cried less.
Yes, I cry about the same thing, over and over again.
Whenever I say goodbye to my family, I feel like I’ve been slashed with a knife, leaving me wounded. It hurts when it happens but after a while the pain subsides. It only completely goes away when I go back home. The first week back and the last few weeks are always the hardest.
The first week is because I feel like I’m vulnerable and I have an open wound. But as time goes on, it starts to heal and feel better. The last few weeks aren’t exactly the hardest in a sense that I’m miserable. It’s more like, I’m so excited (and anxious) to go home and so the anxiety is killing me.
Sometimes, I wonder why I agreed to/wanted to study abroad. I mean I’m so attached to my family, I hate saying goodbye to them. So, why leave in the first place? Was it simply because I wanted the glamour of being able to say I studied abroad? If that were the case then maybe I should have never left. But then I think about how much better it would be for me in the future to have a degree from a UK university, or any foreign university.
Then it all comes down to what this is mainly about:
I’m afraid of growing up
I mean, who isn’t right? But I don’t know. I feel like, I’m extra afraid out of everyone I know. The idea of being away from my family is always painful to me because I love them so much. I’m so vulnerable in the first week of school that I tear every time I think of them. What they’re doing, how they’re coping with things, whether they miss me just as much as I miss them. I think I have some weird attachment disorder to my family. It’s probably not normal to get this emotional every time I have to go back to school. But hey, maybe it’s because I’ve never exactly had anything else to cry about.
Most girls my age most probably cry over boys and stuff but I don’t. I feel like I’ve channelled all my crying into my attachment to my family. Which I think is a much healthier output.
(Speaking of healthier, I need to lose weight and get back into shape. I gained so fcking much this break *le sigh*)
Well, I hope this term feels as short as last term did. It’s only one extra week. Well, an extra week and 4 days for me since I’m only going back on the Tuesday night after end of term ‘cause of my D of E expedition. Words cannot describe how much that annoys me. Like seriously, we have 4 weeks of school after our exams. Okay, 3 if you exclude PD (Personal Development) week. That’s more than enough time to do a lot of things. Why couldn’t they let D of E Silver girls take 4 days off to do their expedition instead of having to postpone them going home at the end of term. I mean it’s bloody summer. I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT TO GO HOME OKAY. I do not want to have to camp before I go home. I’ve accepted the fact that I have to go camping, though I hate it. I just cannot, I repeat cannot, be okay with having to go back late for summer holidays. I mean, why would you even do that to someone?! It’s summer. Have a heart. Urgh.
All I want is to get my AS exams and D of E and this whole term over with. Okay, that’s probably not how I’ll feel about my AS exams in a few days but it’s how I feel now. But yeah, I just want to get D of E and this term over with.
I really, really hope that when my mum comes to London, it’ll be during my half term so she’ll stay longer. Like coincidentally, of course. Or on my birthday or like when term ends so hopefully she’ll wait for me or something and then we can go back to Malaysia together. Actually, I’ll be happy if she just comes. After reading my post about when she left, it just reminded me of how much I love her and miss her and how much she means to me (plus, how attached I am to her).
I was so happy my dad came during my half term last term. It felt so good to spend time with him but it was sad that I only got to spend half of it with him. Well, at least I did get to spend it with him. Yes, I did feel like crying when we had to go our separate ways at the train station but I had to suck it up ‘cause Zahidah was there. What got me through those last few weeks before Easter break was that
A) It was only 4 weeks
B) I had something going on every weekend so I was always occupied
Okay. Well, I have to go to school soon. Will update real soon!
Now playing
Holes Inside by Joe Brooks
The Awakening
It’s strange. Exactly a week ago, I was home. The air was different, the sky was different, the people around me were different. Last week, I was standing in the warm Malaysian weather, soaking up the sun. Now, I’m here. There’s no sun and it’s freezing.
These past few months have shown me just how much life can change in such a short amount of time. 6 months ago, I was an insecure, scared senior in high school. I’m still insecure, still scared but I’m not in high school anymore. Well, technically, I still am in school but you know what I mean. My senior year was cut short and somehow I wish I could repeat all over again. It was honestly one of the best years of my secondary school life. I had never felt like I belonged in a place more.
Okay. On a lighter note, I’ve settled down and unpacked everything. Which is good. Also, I’ve stocked up on movies/tv shows so I’ve got a lot to keep me occupied :)
OOH, I discovered this lovely human being on my way from Malaysia to Dubai.
His name is Brenton Thwaites and he’s Australian
Sometimes I ask myself why I’m not Australia instead…
Now Playing
What To Do by Demi Lovato
May 2013 be kind to all of you :)
Now Playing
I Found You by The Wanted
Home Sweet Home
Hello!
Gosh, I haven’t blogged in a long time. Well, I’ve been busy. So, what’s happened since my last post? Well;
- I’ve finished my IGCSEs and am now a full time A Level student
- I’m currently in Malaysia (score!)
- I just got back from my prom
Yes, the long awaited night of prom has come and gone. Somehow, it wasn’t what I thought (or hoped) it would be. It’s left me feeling somewhat sad.. and I don’t know.. just.. not how I thought I would feel.
So it’s 2:47am and I choose to blog now. It’s mainly because I have a lot on my mind and I can’t exactly talk to my girl friends about it (and I can’t sleep). Well, I can. Just not right now and I really need to get it off my chest.
I couldn’t help but feel awkward and out of place. I was hoping to come back and feel accepted and a part of something. But it didn’t feel like that. Instead it unearthed emotions I buried when I left in September. A certain presence in the room left me wishing I never came. I was kinda hoping an old friend would show up but didn’t. But it was good to see everyone again. The familiar faces and voices all bring back a sense of nostalgia. I want to say I felt like crying because it may be the last time I’ll ever see some of those people but I can’t. I do feel like crying but I’m just not sure if that’s the reason why.
I’m going to Bali tomorrow morning and I really shouldn’t be awake now but I ate at like 2am when I got home and am feeling guilty. I didn’t eat much during prom because I’m sick of Western food or I’ve had my share of it. I want Asian food now, like real Asian food. That means it’s spicy and full of flavour.
It’s good to be home but it all feels so.. unreal. I’ve been yearning for this day since I left and it just feels so.. surreal but amazing to be home. To see my family and just be with them feels great. Like nothing has changed. My brother is back to so it’s a definite plus point. I have about a month home before I go back. I want it to go by slowly, excruciatingly slow. I want to cherish everything. I know I’ll be back for Easter but it seems so far off, I want to enjoy what I have now.
So my agenda this time round is:
- Study
- Sleepover with friends
- Spend time with family
- Spend time with friends
- Sim-ming
And I just realised that all of those activities start with an ‘S’ which was completely unintentional. I’ve been blogging for about an hour now. It’s 13 mins to 4am and I’m nowhere near asleep. Oh God. I better sleep soon. The last thing I need is messed up sleeping habits.
Good night all!
Now playing
Nothing
The Finer Things In Life
These include:
- Woolly sweaters from Polo Ralph Lauren
- Macarons from Pierre Hermes
- Gourmet tea from the London Tea Company
- A very nice flat in London
These are just a few of the many things I love and indulge in. Except for the flat but who wouldn’t want a nice flat in London to call home?
Well, seeing as I didn’t update at all whilst with my parents, nothing really happened other than me eating pretty much all the time, I blame exam stress.
I sit here protesting whether I should go for supper tonight or not as I don’t want to appear like a bottomless pit. I have been asked why I eat so little which I cannot understand at all. Like, is that suppose to be a joke?
Anyways, I shopped and my mother believes I have an obsession with Ralph Lauren as I own 3 shirts, 3 jumpers and 2 polo shirts, at the moment. I’m not crazy, I swear.
My obsession with green tea has reemerged and I’m blogging right now instead of studying. Or shall I say, I’m blogging while studying. I shall go with the latter, sounds more productive.
I’ve been doing a lot of prom-related research, seeing as I am the supposed head of my old school’s prom committee and it’s in less than two months and I have no dress.
Okay, that was a lie. I do have a dress but it’s more of a in-case-of-any-formal-event-at-school-dress rather than a prom dress. Unfortunately, looking for a prom dress is really hard. Or at least looking for one I don’t offend the eyes in. Low self esteem talking.
I have found one that I like. Now, I’m just hoping the lady who made it can make one for me in the colour I want. My mom has bought me heels and said, “Even if you don’t wear it for prom, you can use it for other things”. She brought them back to Malaysia with her so I’ll be stumbling through prom. I’m also looking for accessories. Hippie headband or flower crown?
I have been doing some research for prom. I want prom to be magical, I want it to be worth the RM200 people have paid. I want people to look at it and go, “I wish that was my prom”.
So, maybe I should stop babbling. I’ve got some pictures! They are irrelevant, just like a lot of things in life.
The Primrose Hill park. I would love to call Primrose Hill my neighbourhood if I ever live in London. Sadly, that may never happen *le cries*
Sticky toffee pudding with ice cream. Er, win?
Told you the pictures were irrelevant (excuse the shitty quality, I no has a proper camera). Oh well. Shoot me.
As I am in the middle of my IGCSEs right now, I probably won’t be updating til they’re over. Maybe I will, who knows. That’s it for now.
5 more full weeks before I get to go back to Malaysia.
Hell to the yeah bitchezzzz
Now Playing
Every Road by The Maine
Halfway There
Week 6 is drawing to an end and there’s only 2 days left of school (Sunday ain’t a school day, bro) ‘til half term!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP
We, we so excited!
My parents and younger brother are coming over to the UK. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY :D I’ve missed them so much, my parents I mean. My brother? Ngehh.. not so much. Not as much as my older brother at least. I’ll be in London for the first week of half term which I’m really looking forward too. It’s mainly because I can go to Selfridges and have Pinkberry. OH MY GOD IT’S LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE :’D In addition to Pinkberry, I get to have Lola’s cupcakes. Lola’s is this little cupcake place in the Selfridges food hall that has a-mazing cupcakes. Since I’m going to be with my parents, I’m going to buy peanut butter and nutella and jam. I’ve got 6 weeks without it. Yep, sad.
So tonight, I’m finally drinking coffee with a little bit of caffeine in it. I’ve been drinking decaf because I don’t want to get hyper (or addicted). Since it’s a Saturday night, you know what that means?
X FACTOR NIGHT!
While waiting, this really weird show called Take Me Out is on. I swear to God, Brits have got the weirdest game shows. Later tonight, maybe I’ll watch some Disney movies :) Did I mention I have a collection of Disney movies on my laptop? Sad but true.
I just saw an ad for Disneyland Paris. I want to go again, the first time wasn’t satisfying. But definitely gotta go with friends! What do you say, girls? :)
So, what to talk about?
Well, today was open day at school. And I had to cook for Leiths. Leiths is the school where my cooking course is from. So when I graduate, I’ll have 2 diplomas. Hopefully, I’ll have my Duke of Edinburgh award as well. Anyways, I made apple tarts which I haven’t finished eating. Well, I’m not going to. I put them in the fridge and am saving them for my family.
I was going to walk down to the bakery downtown for my weekend “treat” but it rained so I couldn’t be bothered. I didn’t that much today. I just made notes for History. Maybe I’ll do past year papers tomorrow. I’m contemplating on whether to go to the gym or not because I’m not feeling too well.
IGCSE starts in less than 2 weeks. I’m scared as hell. Oh my God. What the hell. It’s next, next Tuesday.
Okay. X Factor has started, I’m gonna stop now. I’ll post more when I’m in London :)
TTYL
Now Playing
Nothing
Night In With an Oversized Hoodie
With my favourite (and unfortunately, extremely oversized) hoodie on, I’m set for a night in with my housemate and senior, Sara, for X Factor. I love my hoodie nonetheless, it’s gotten me through the cold winter days in New York City.
So I’ve got my fluffy purple slippers on and a mug of coffee.
So, what shall I talk about today? Well, for starters I’ve got a cold. It was 5degrees this morning and I was walking down to breakfast in Fit Flops. I was mislead by the sunny weather. Uhm, I had Weetabix and banana for breakfast? Ahaha that was random.
People (er, teachers to be more specific) have been asking me about how I’m coping with studying for IGCSE and doing my A-Levels. Is it weird that I don’t know? Because I really don’t. I’ve put most of my extra-curricular activities on hold, ie. MUN, archery, YE, DofE. I’ve still got my Mandarin lessons and my cooking course.
I watched The English Patient on Tuesday night with my Literature class because I’m doing The English Patient for my coursework. It was one bloody long movie. Like seriously. On a better note, my classmate, Elizabeth, brought cupcakes that her mum made. THEY’RE SO FLUFFY AND AMAZING OH MY GOD. The icing was a bit too sweet though but it didn’t have like that sickeningly sweet taste or after taste which was awesome. But the cake, Lord was it good.
Oh, I just found out that I’m going to Bali in December. YAY! I love Bali. It may be hot as hell and super sunny but it’d be nice before I have to go back to the cold in January. We’re going for my grandfather’d birthday which is on Christmas. So Christmas is not Christmas to me, it’s my grandfather’s birthday.
Back to X Factor, which I’m watching as I type this, I don’t like how they’re trying to make a One Direction in every season. Seriously, it gets old. Dermot O’Leary just did the Gangnam style dance. Whut.
Tulisa’s hair is dark again! Yay! I hated her with blonde hair.
I need to go to the gym tomorrow morning. All I’ve done today was study and eat. And I went on a walk. That was it.
Tomorrow there’s no breakfast and lunch. But brunch, which is awesome. Breakfast is officially my favourite meal of the day. Seriously, it’s cereal, yoghurt, eggs, mushrooms and etc. It’s amazing.
This trio on X Factor sing way better that One Direction. They’re so good, amagad. They’ve got like this RnB vibe going on. Sherina, I think you’d like them. I just realised how irrelevant and mixed up each paragraph is. Maybe after X Factor, I’ll do a little bit of studying then movie night!
Oh my God, what happens to Liam’s hair. James Arthur reminds me of a fluffy, white Persian cat. But he can rap, I did not see that coming.
Okay, I’m gonna stop all my pointless rambling. A little over a week til I see my family! <3 Then I’ll be in London and I can have Pinkberry. Til then I have citrus-flavoured yoghurt to keep me happy.
I shall end here and take pictures of my froyo/food.. adventure and update next time? Ahaha sorry I’m a boring blogger.
Oh and yes, I’m feeling a lot better compared to last week :)
Now Playing
nothing but I’m watching X Factor
Homesick
I haven’t had the best week. I can’t tell if there’s been worst times or not but this feels shitty. I feel like I’ve made no friends and I’m back at square one but at the same time I do feel like I have some friends.
Or do I?
All I know is that I miss my friends. Especially, my best friend. Skyping with her yesterday reminded me of just how much I missed talking to her. And I won’t be Skyping with her til after our IGCSEs.
I mean it’s not that people here aren’t nice, they really are. But like, everyone has their own gang. So they all macam ngam with each other and I’m just that socially awkward Malay girl.
I thought things were going good, I thought I had a group of friends I could talk to and hang out with. Well, look how terribly wrong I was. And it seems that out of all the new girls, I’m probably the only one who hasn’t quite settled down with a group friends and stuff. I swear to God, I’m such a loner. I feel like the only friends I have is the other Malaysian girl, Zahidah, and the Bruneian girl, Andi, who are both my seniors. Zahidah and Andi have been like ‘big sisters’ to me which I’m very grateful for.
But they have their own friends and lives. So I have yet to establish mine. It’s just.. I came from having a group of friends that I could always hang out with to suddenly being a floating ghost. I’ve been told I’m too quiet but sometimes when I sit with a group of girls, they don’t talk about something I can’t quite join in on (or they would speak a different language).
I can’t wait for half term. Seriously. Cannot. Fucking. Wait.
2 weeks to go. 2 weeks ‘til I see my family and escape Malvern to London.
3 weeks ‘til my IGCSEs. I’ve seen my timetable and it doesn’t look that bad. It’s actually quite good. There’s plenty of time for last minute studying.
I sometimes wish my brother was here. I wish he was in London or somewhere in the UK and I could just board weekly. It would cost my parents less and I’d feel less alone and homesick. But no, he’s in Australia and he doesn’t want to transfer to a UK university. He likes them Aussies.
I hope my cousin comes here to further her studies though. It’d be nice to know I have someone. Athirah, I’m talking about you. I’m at a point in my life where socialising and making friends isn’t exactly my sole priority but I can’t help but allow loneliness to consume me.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I not normal by normal teenage girls standards? Is it because I’m Malay? Or am I too quiet? Do people think I’m sombong? Am I not a nice person?
These questions run through my mind every day.
I just miss my friends and Sri Garden. I’m still adjusting to being in a new place. I’m still adjusting to being around new people. I guess it takes time. I hope it’s time and not me. Well, I’m done ranting about how I’m lonely loser. I mean I’m not miserable or that unhappy, I’m just a lonely loser.
Now playing
When the Day Met the Night by Panic! At The Disco
Flashdance
The title has no relevance to what I’m going to the post. It’s just the title of the song I’m currently listening to. So, I’m currently at my host family’s house. They have wifi and they’re really nice (Y)
So I’m downloading Glee and music. Also, I’ve literally abusing my unlimited data plan for my phone. I haven’t been able to leave my phone alone. But it feels so nice to be able to talk to my family and friends pretty much whenever I can.
I think I’ve been neglecting my IGCSE studies. But I can’t just study all the time, I can’t be a machine. I mean I still want to have my sanity when it’s over.
Moving on
I did aerobics with a gym stick on Tuesday for PE. OhmyGod. My legs are in pain. And it’s Friday today. It’s not as intense as spinning so I don’t know whether I like it more or not. It’s been 3 weeks and I haven’t gone to the gym. Not once. Okay, next week must start.
Also, I think I’ve discovered the joys of online shopping. Oh God, please help me.
Oh and here are some pictures as promised? Excuse the quality, I take them with my phone as I don’t have a functional camera.
Yeah, I would put captions but ngeh I’m feeling unmotivated. I did a spider diagram on my essay as “planning”. At least I’m doing some form of revision.. I think. Uh, my mind went blank so.. yeah that’s that.
I’m gonna read Jane Eyre and continue to download stuff. Bye.
Now Playing
Like We Used To by A Rocket To The Moon
Life as we know it
What is up people?
Well, you’re not here to tell me, you’re here to read about my life. Stalker.
So week 2 in UK and week 1 of official schooling is coming to an end. It was good. Yes, I’m drowning in work ‘cause I’m studying for IGCSE while doing my A Levels. I’m surprised by how well I’m coping (maybe it’s because I’ve barely been studying for IGCSE).
Maybe I’ll do some History revision tomorrow.
Season 4 of Glee started yesterday and I can’t download to watch. Eff. I can’t download anything. My school’s WIFI is so restricted. Instead of obsessively checking Twitter, I now obsessively check my school email everyday.
I feel so disconnected from my friends back home :( I miss them and I feel like they’ve forgotten my existence. I’m hoping to get my new UK number tomorrow with an unlimited data plan.
Okay. Let’s talk about something different. Let’s talk about Malvern.
It’s actually not that bad. I mean the town has got all the essentials. A Dorothy Perkins, Waitrose, WHSmith (they’re version of Popular/MPH), Café Nero (a Starbucks equivalent), multiple Chinese takeaways, Indian restaurants and etc. It’s got little bakeries, gift stores and delicatessens too.
What never fails to amaze me is how (relatively) cheap food is. I just went to one of the many supermarkets they have here today where they sold like 2 cereal bar boxes for only £3. That’s like RM15. And these are like Kellogg’s cereal bars. There’s also this really awesome candy store too! Oh my God, the guy working there is so nice. He just opened the store so he’s willing to take suggestions on what candy to sell (aside from the amazing variety he already has). I might go personally order some M&Ms J
I never thought I’d say this but I love school food. Well, I know I would never ever say it about SG’s food but MSJ’s is da bomb. Seriously. I’m pretty picky so this is saying something especially since it’s about school food. For example, I had veggie soup and curry chicken salad for dinner today :) That sounds weird but shut up, it was good.
Er, I don’t know what else to talk about. I don’t want to make this an extremely wordy post because the last three were pretty wordy. So here are some pictures while I enjoy a cup of decaffeinated coffee J
Okay. The internet is too shitty to let me upload pictures so let’s hope my host family’s house has really good internet.
Yes, I’m staying with a host family for my first EXEAT. Yep.. I have no idea what to expect. Er, haha?
On the bright side, I got an A for my unseen paper in English Lit. which is.. unexpected and unbelievable. I didn’t even know what I was writing half the time. Oh my God. I’m really curious to see what I get for my composition..
BECAUSE
It has a very interesting background. It had to be about a survivor. So I based it off a Titanic survivor, Ellen Hocking. How do I know of her? I went to the Titanic exhibition in Bangkok and when I received my “boarding pass”, I was Elle Hocking from Cornwall. Obviously, there was a lot of improv in my essay but the ending was really rushed. When they said time was up, I abruptly ended my essay. Oh well.
Okay, I’m going to go get my laundry. Then I’m gonna watch Detention. I really want to watch Magic Mike. There is nothing wrong with a movie filled with hot actors acting as male strippers.
Now Playing
Bubbly by Colbie Cailat
